Robert Orben Quotes

  1. Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
  2. Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
  3. Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
  4. The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
  5. Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
  6. If you can laugh together, you can work together.
  7. What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
  8. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
  9. A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
  10. Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
  11. To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
  12. Spring is God’s way of saying, ‘One more time!’
  13. Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
  14. Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.
  15. There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.
  16. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
  17. Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
  18. Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
  19. Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
  20. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
  21. Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.
  22. The secret of writing comedy is to know where it’s all going, then get ahead of it.
  23. Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
  24. With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!
  25. Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
  26. I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
  27. There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.
  28. Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
  29. President Ford used humor a great deal.
  30. In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.
  31. Do your kids a favor – don’t have any.
  32. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.
  33. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
  34. Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
  35. I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it ‘arm around the shoulder’ humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It’s mean, mean stuff.
  36. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
  37. More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
  38. Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it’s filled with wisdom. Sometimes it’s filled with feet.
  39. Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

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