Sean Lock Quotes

  1. I really like doing stand-up, because it gives you an immense amount of freedom. You haven’t got anyone telling you what to do. It’s great to have that much power over what you do. You don’t have that in television.
  2. In those stupid online polls to find the best sitcom ever, ‘Father Ted’ never gets the credit it deserves.
  3. The most important thing anyone taught me in this business was not to take anything personally.
  4. I’m actually a miserable, authoritarian guy at home… no really, I’m strict.
  5. Here’s a message to all the employers out there reading this: if a comedian comes to you having given up comedy and wants a job; don’t employ them. They’re utterly feckless and incapable of handling any kind of responsibility. Fact.
  6. The hardest thing to write is sitcom.
  7. To write anything decent, it’s hard. Anything you want to be good is hard.
  8. I just did loads of dead-end jobs and a lot of travelling – just farting around, really. I had quite a lot of fun, but I’ve got no qualifications, no skills.
  9. I’ve got genuine political reasons for not voting for David Cameron. He’s got a tiny little mouth.
  10. Real men don’t know what they want for Christmas. Despite the fact I’m deeply disappointed every Christmas. I pride myself on not wanting anything. Children want things, women want things, dogs and cats want things, but men don’t.
  11. I definitely appreciate the value of money, hard work and having a career.
  12. I hate moaning comics, but I do find it very frustrating when I switch on BBC Four or BBC Two to find they’re repeating some piece of crap sitcom. I think: Why don’t they show mine? Not because I’d make any money, it would just be nice for it to be shown.
  13. It’s a horrible feeling to go in front of an audience when you don’t feel right.
  14. It’s hard to pinpoint highlights on tour because they’re the gigs really. The whole day becomes about the show. From the time you wake up you are slowly building up to that.
  15. I finished school in 1981 when there was a recession on so there was not a lot of money around or work. I worked on building sites during that time and there were many people on the dole or always looking for work.
  16. I spent a large part of my 20s and 30s living in different places, including tower blocks.
  17. I go to my office nearly every day, and I’ll sit there for six or seven hours and come up with ideas, and that’s the only way I can justify turning up on stage.
  18. There is the idea that there’s a section of society, these working-class tradesmen, are driving around and they all think the same. Everybody who has tools in their vehicle have all the exact same thoughts: it’s incredibly patronising isn’t it?
  19. Real men don’t listen. I think you can waste a lot of valuable time listening to what people are saying to you and, let’s face it, it’s rarely interesting or important.
  20. I have my suits especially made in 50 per cent polyester. That way when I’m going to a gig I can just stuff them in a bag, whip them out and they don’t looked creased when I’m on stage.
  21. If you’re over 22, getting a tattoo and you don’t do work that involves tools you should be ashamed of yourself!
  22. I now believe in God for my own ends. I’m not an altruistic Christian – I’m only doing it in case there is in fact a Heaven.
  23. Brown is definitely my colour. I like it’s understated drabness.
  24. My major regret in life is not going to university, though not for the qualification I would have gained. People I know who went there have a working method where they sit down and get something done; they know how to start and get on with things. I will do anything to avoid getting on with stuff.
  25. Ron Mueck’s ‘Dead Dad’ was fantastic. It was an almost exact replica of his dead dad’s body, shrunk to be a third of the size, a very powerful sculpture.
  26. There’s an elusive element to comedy, but nobody gets it for free. That’s why comedians seldom criticise each other.
  27. We do need sculpture. People always say: ‘Well, that sculpture could have paid for a cot in a maternity ward.’ But if the world had been run on those lines, there’d only be about four books, and they’d be seed-drill manuals.
  28. I’d never been the class clown and comedy was not a fulfilment of a dream.
  29. I did once have a MySpace site but it was like a badly tended grave.
  30. I’m hoping I don’t get Alzheimer’s.
  31. On ‘8 Out Of 10 Cats,’ myself, Jimmy Carr and Jason Manford have got the producers around to our way of thinking – which is to trust us and allow us to ad-lib.
  32. There is this fallacy of the ‘cool’ comedian out there. You see the guys who take themselves very seriously and think they’re being very suave and sardonic. But they’re just jesters like the rest of us; they’re just goons like we all are. The job is to make people laugh.
  33. I am naturally cautious so I guess I am a saver. I’m a firm believer in not borrowing money, which is a lesson passed down to me from my parents and grandparents.
  34. Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.
  35. Salad cream is horrible, like albino ketchup.
  36. My stand-up shows don’t really have a theme but do have an interactive element to them.
  37. Real men will eat anything I mean anything. I think the only food I have ever turned down was a boiled goat’s head while hitch-hiking in Yugoslavia in the 1980s.
  38. My initial impression of the Welsh was that they were grumpier than I was!
  39. I think people like to have something to have a moan about.
  40. There are certain types of stand-up, who are very successful, who do one type of joke, and never stray out of that. The audience knows that he’s the depressive comedian, he’s the up-beat, crazy comic. He’s the one that talks about real life.
  41. I try not to be one particular type of comedian – I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite angry and sarcastic and dry.
  42. Being a purple van man means I have my own perspective on things.
  43. I drive a VW California. It’s a camper van based on the transporter body. It drives like a car, but you press a button and you’re camping. I take it on tour with me.
  44. If you like Harry Hill, you’d really like Tony Law. He’s a Canadian comic who’s done a few appearances on ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’ and ‘8 out of 10 Cats.’ Nobody else could do his stand-up; it’s very idiosyncratic, very daft, very silly, but really well structured.
  45. I finished tech college with just one A-level, which was an E in English, because I spent most of my time drinking and faffing around. Having one A-level is a bit like having a car with one wheel – pretty useless. So I ended up working on building sites.
  46. Touring can be quite a dull life.
  47. I never go in the sun without a shirt on and always use a moisturiser with an SPF every day on my face.
  48. The Specials used to be my style icons. I was obsessed with them and the whole 2-Tone thing was a good look for me.
  49. I never moisturised until I got skin cancer. It totally changed my opinion on moisturising. I used to think using a face protector was a bit of a girly thing, now I’ve worked out it’s actually essential to keep your skin healthy.
  50. People ask me about my influences and I say all the comedians in the 1970s and Dave Allen was a massive influence and a very big influence on a lot of modern comics.
  51. I don’t think it’s any secret that the bigger the venue, the subtlety and artfulness of comedy declines.
  52. Whenever a young comic asks me for advice I only have two things to say. One is to try and do what you think is genuinely funny and the other is just do loads of gigs.
  53. I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn’t give you the caffeine buzz you need.
  54. I was 18 and had taken A-levels in Woking where I grew up. But I didn’t want to go to university so left sixth-form college. My father was in the building industry and he found me a job stripping concrete panels off buildings. It was dangerous work on high scaffolds, sometimes 12 hours a day, Monday to Friday, and often weekends too.
  55. I would describe my driving style as calm authority, but my wife would call it demented. In my defence I’ve got a clean licence so probably the best way to describe it is crafty.
  56. I’m amazed by how angry people get about new art, particularly new sculptures in their town. The people who hate new sculpture usually find their type of art on birthday cards, pictures of a vintage car going round a hairpin bend and suchlike.
  57. I prefer audiences away from London because they’re more appreciative.
  58. I always wear sunglasses and often a panama hat, even if I’m just walking in the park, if the sun is hot.
  59. A real man doesn’t know what cellulite is. Until I was 30 I thought cellulite was a building material used for restoring plasterwork in stately homes.
  60. I used to watch ‘EastEnders’ till the plots got ridiculous.
  61. I’d like an old car just so I can control the windows with a handle. I hate electronic windows.
  62. I have worked out that I am virtually Chinese, because everything I own is from China.
  63. 15 Storeys High’ is the hardest thing I’ve worked on. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
  64. I’ve got a few fat friends – well, two, it seems like more.
  65. It’s not like I’m an Internet geek or anything – I’m of an age where the Internet is not the first thing I think of when I need to find something out.
  66. That’s the thing about comedy, there’s something utterly delightful and slightly pure about a really good joke, and to create one is a great pleasure.
  67. As a comedian, you’re making so many observations, so many measurements. You might catch someone’s eyes as you’re telling a joke, and they can have this sort of glazed expression on their face, and that can set all your dials off.
  68. Billy Connolly is probably the greatest stand-up this country has ever produced and he swears all the time.
  69. I liken all jobs to decorating. If you don’t do the preparation, sand down and prime first, you won’t get a good paint job, and that’s the same as everything in life.
  70. There’s someone on Twitter who pretends to be me but as long as he doesn’t say anything damaging, I don’t care. Let him get on with it.
  71. Being the headliner is only more pressure if you’re not very good.
  72. I’m the master at publicity.
  73. I have no problem with people coming up to me and telling me they enjoy my work, what’s weird is when you sense people noticing you, nudging each other, and you’re not anonymous any more. You just feel exposed.
  74. It’s fantastic to be at the back of a theatre and to think, ‘These people have come to see me.’
  75. The hardest I’ve ever laughed in a cinema was at ‘Silent Movie’ by Mel Brooks. I was 12-ish and I actually fell out of my seat. I saw it 10 years later hoping for the same hilarity but it didn’t happen. I’m not sure if that’s because of me or the film.
  76. In my mind if you’re over 25 and using Twitter you need to have a word with yourself.

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